he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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