how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
