If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
