Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
