i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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