Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
