party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
