it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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