Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
