i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
