Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize