You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
