U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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