Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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