An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
