There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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