I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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