I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
