I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
