I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
