This is not my ceiling
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
