Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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