3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
