Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
