dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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