i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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