i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
