new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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