You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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