Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
