My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
