i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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