So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
