Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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