Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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