every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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