we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
