it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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