she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
