I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
