Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
