I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He? As in you personified your dick?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
