you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
sex in a hospital.. check
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
