too bad you live with your parents still
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
