I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
