A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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