Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
And then he peed in my hair
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