so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
