i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
