Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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