Old men and throwing up are my life now.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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