Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
