I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
