i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
