Betty ford says i'm here all night
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
