I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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