So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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