but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
