Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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