I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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