i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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