just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
