anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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