I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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