sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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